It's That Time Again: Veepstakes!

Okay, so I’ve put it off as long as possible, and there isn’t much time left now. But this was going to have to happen eventually so here goes. Veepstakes.

The No-Goes

Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann went from making headlines for her bold Tea Party leadership two years ago to utter disgrace in her unwarranted questioning of Hillary Clinton’s Deputy Chief of Staff, Huma Abedin, for ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. She may have been a lunatic the whole time, but people only recently found an excuse to admit it publicly. She was leading the Republicans a year ago, but Bachmann probably has the same chances of being asked to join the ticket as the president himself.

Rafalca

Okay so that first one was kind of a joke; let’s get serious now. Ann Romney’s horse has always been near the top of Mitt Romney’s long list of things he doesn’t like to talk about… but after not even finishing in the top ten in dressage(!); I don’t think Rafalca’s helped herself out much. She’s already a liability, helping Romney pay fewer taxes (see Olympic dressage horse loophole for details), and now she’s just a loser. Plus, I don’t think the average American connects very well with the sport of dressage. Something tells me, even if she had won, we wouldn’t be seeing her on Corn Flakes boxes.

Jon Huntsman

Good-looking, wealthy, ex-governor, had a famous father, relatively moderate, and Mormon. Having two of these guys on the ticket would just be unfair. The good news, if Romney goes down in office (please take that as a joke), you have his double waiting in action. The bad news, well Romney wants to win the election, so why would he pick himself to run with? That’s just illogical.

The Wish List

Herman Cain

Oh how Romney wishes this guy knew what the conflict in Syria is. Cain could’ve been the perfect VP contender. He’s high-energy, demographically gifted (the politically correct term), and can really connect with the audience. All things Romney desperately needs. He may not really know what he’s talking about, but it’ll be a challenge even for him to upstage the top end of the ticket. Unfortunately, his prospects can’t be called much more than wishful thinking. Of all the times to be a black man running for office… well…. Romney probably would never think about it that crudely. Right? Hey, at least this guy can provide free catering, though.

Hillary Clinton

Tough-as-nails Secretary of State with approval ratings in the sixties, Hillary’s the most popular official in the Obama administration, and would give Romney the foreign policy grit (and manners) he so clearly lacks. She’s got spunk and character, something Romney could definitely learn from, plus, as a woman, she can always help with that demographic. It’s a real shame she seems to like her current job, cause 4 years ago she might just about do anything to be second in line for the highest office in the country.

Bill Clinton

But as much as Hilldawg would give Romney a bump, she still doesn’t quite top her husband. The most popular living president would just about guarantee a Romney victory in November. The guy is pretty much loved by everybody, and even though he’s no youngster, the Democrats still see him as the heart of the party. Talk about staying power. Sure he bats for the other team, but Romney’s never cared much for semantics like that. Plus the economy boomed during Clinton’s presidency, so Romney might actually have a chance at fixing things if he were to pick somebody who knew what he was doing. Again though, it’s just a shame Clinton’s got such a good gig with the Democratic Party. If the vice presidency were worth more power, it’d be hard for him to turn down.

Abraham Lincoln

Okay, okay, okay, this one is kind of a controversial pick. While this election is about the economy (I’m pretty sure Romney’s reminded us of that 5 times in the last ten minutes), this guy could help out in the leadership and integrity department. Modern politics doesn’t weigh a whole lot of importance in those fields anymore, but this pick might be a nice reminder of American greatness. Then again, his Republican credentials probably aren’t good enough for the supremely patriotic Tea Party. Plus, I have a feeling he wouldn’t be a huge hit with the South. Scratch this guy.

So there they are. Maybe I shouldn’t joke about as a serious an issue as the potential vice president of the United States, but truthfully, the whole thing is much too overblown. Because it’s going to be Portman.