New Yorkers Have Issues
The following is a cache of emails recently declassified by the offices of New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. The Review has been made aware that these emails were written during a particularly strong bout of indigestion and delirium brought on by a batch of Kwanzaa cakes made for both by New York’s first-girlfriend Sandra Lee. Though the comments made by both men under the influence of particularly dubious confectionaries should be taken with a grain of salt (which is perhaps what the cakes themselves needed), the insight to be gleaned from such half-cogent interactions between high-level officials will be of infinite value to the astute student of American politics.
To: bloomin.onion@nyc.gov
From: thegreatestcuomo@nys.gov
Subject: You’re uninvited to the popular kids’ table
Dear Mayor Bloomberg,
It’s about time for my monthly check-in to inquire about your ever-diminishing approval ratings. I just got the new numbers. What did you do to deserve these—start a war somewhere?
You are doing a terrible job at managing your public image lately. When you forgot to hire extra snowplows for the biggest blizzard in history, I didn’t say anything. Your block was amazingly clear. You did a great job clearing a few blocks, which I thought was good enough—so odd that they happened to be so close to your place. I technically wasn’t in office yet, and I heard you had recently joined J-Date. Maybe you were a little busy to work overtime. Whatever. But this bike lane controversy is getting out of control. You took an extra lane of traffic out of both First and Second Avenues. Have you ever tried to go to or from the east side below 14th Street by cab on a Friday night?
I’m working really hard out here to hammer out a budget that works for the poor without crapping all over Wall Street, and you are down there getting New Yorkers all pissed off about pavement, not to mention your hiring a schools chancellor who was formerly the president of the company whose biggest hit is Cosmo and who sits on the board of directors for Coca-Cola. What are her qualifications, product placement and photoshopping?
Sincerely,
The Guy Just a Bit Higher on the Totem Pole
P.S. I’ve just finished a biography of Napoleon, and it made me think of you for some reason. I can’t quite figure it out, but the resemblance is striking.
To:thegreatestcuomo@nys.gov
From: bloomin.onion@nyc.gov
Subject: I live in the city. Where did you live again?
Dear Governor Cuomo,
Watch it there. You may currently outrank me, but don’t think you can talk to me like that. You have the best approval ratings of any governor in the nation, but I still have more money than God. Whatever little political dynasty you come from, I will drown it in a wave of cash—make it rain. I created my own political career. I didn’t have to go crying to Daddy when I couldn’t find a job after college. That’s what it means when Wikipedia says you were a lifelong “public servant” after graduating from Fordham, right?
It is not my fault that no one understands my vision and business acumen. I took a chance with Cathie Black as schools chancellor. She didn’t work out. It could be worse. I could have given it to Rebecca Black. (Thought about it too, but the timing just wasn’t right.)
New Yorkers just haven’t given me enough time. Maybe I should lobby to change term limits again. I can’t get kicked out of any more political parties, and I’m getting so close to making the whole city a playground! Bike lanes and beach chairs and snow on the sidewalk! Why does everyone have to be so serious all the time?
Big Mike
To: bloomin.onion@nyc.gov
From: thegreatestcuomo@nys.gov
Subject: My daddy issues are not a joke.
Bloomie,
As hard as it is for me to live life as a full-time public servant in the long shadow of my father, at least I’ve got party backing. You can’t get anyone to take you seriously—not the Democrats, not the Republicans. No one who actually wants to get elected is voluntarily an “independent.” Right now you are behind in the polls to a birther with a toupee and a reality show. No wait, two birthers with reality shows. 2012 isn’t looking good for you.
You know what your problem is? Fauxpopulism. You make a big deal about being an environmentally-friendly subway rider, then let the Times catch you taking a caravan of SUVs from your front door 22 blocks to the express train. As a lawyer, I might caution you that the official legal term for that is “misleading the public.” Did you learn that trick at Harvard?
Remember—your legacy revolves around plastic chairs on Broadway enjoyed only by tourists who don’t vote.
A. Cuomo
To: thegreatestcuomo@nys.gov
From: bloomin.onion@nyc.gov
Subject: BTW, do you think you could get me a date with Giada?
Cuomo,
The chairs are metal. And crack all the Trump jokes you want, but you should try running for president as a single Jewish guy. America’s more likely to elect Jwoww. I hear she even has an obligatory pre-candidate autobiography out.
Speaking of reality stars, what’s up with dating Ms. Semi-Homemade?
B.Berg.
Sent From my eyePhoney
To: bloomin.onion@nyc.gov
From: thegreatestcuomo@nys.gov
Subject: No.
Mike,
Why do you think my ratings are so high? All the voters watch the Food Network.
‘Drew
Sent From my Crackberry