HR-666, The Tea Party Demands
We, the members of the Congressional Tea Party caucus, present our first formal list of demands, which we will soon introduce on the floor as HR-666. Our nation is in peril and for it we can no longer stand. We face mounting debts at the state and national level, we have government entering every home, school and church in America, and we need change. Not the change that we got in 2008. A different change. A change that is less about change and more about tradition. A return to the unchanged.
OUR DEMANDS:
Guns
Whereby the Second Amendment gives us the right to bear arms, be they Uzi or semi-automatic, we resolve that we have an inalienable right to have a room full of any kind of guns we want (see Article I of the Constitution, the Cheney Pantry clause). Furthermore, we want Hummers to be made again, we want to place our guns on top of them, and we want to drive them down local roads and boulevards (Everyman Rambo clause, also Article I). That is our right. It’s in the Constitution. It’s there—feel free to look it up. Furthermore, we’d like to expand the reach of the Second Amendment so that all Americans may purchase a gun at any time, anywhere, without any purpose. There’s no reason why a sharp four-year-old boy needs to face age discrimination when trying to purchase a rifle in the 21st century.
God
Whereby we are one nation under God, we resolve to institute a national prayer law. If we do not pray to Jesus, our Lord, every day, as it says to do in the Constitution, we will burn in hell along with atheists and Jews. But we’d like people of the Jewish faith to pray with us because they are the gatekeepers. And we’d like to take this time to express our never-ending support for the state of Israel. We propose that such a law be instituted at previously existing government outposts like the DMV or post office, to save taxpayers the additional cost of building district prayer offices. Now we may exalt our God when He deserves it the most, before bureaucratic transactions.
The Constitution
Whereby the Constitution is the legislative foundation of this great nation, we resolve to celebrate it in every facet of American life, all XXII Articles and accompanying graphs. We want it read in classrooms, at the beginning of every legislative meeting. We want it read in full, in its entirety, in original form. Every day. We want it on the ticker of every news station. We want it to be liked on The Facebook. We want it to sponsor every entertainment or sporting event in America, including but not limited to food competitions. We endorse any means necessary to spread the messages inherent in that 54-page papyrus Genesis, because we know the men and women and children that slaved for twenty years crossing the Atlantic on the Queen Mary to write that Constitution by moonlight (because there was no sun in those days) deserve to have their document read aloud. After all, that’s how it was documented—orally. Any Texas or Virginia American history textbook can tell the layman that.
Smaller Government
Whereby government has swollen to an unmanageable size, we resolve to institute dramatic and far-reaching slash and burn policies, or our great nation will be slashed and burned. We propose cuts in social programs, education, Medicaid and Medicare. We also propose cuts in pensions, foreign aid and domestic aid. We also propose cuts in environment planning, the space program, and social security. We also propose cuts in agriculture, justice, transportation and urban development. We do not propose cuts in defense, national security or spending to promote defense at NASCAR. That is our inalienable right, and it’s written in the Constitution. Article XVI. It’s right in there, so don’t bother reading it.
Stop It
Just stop it. Everyone’s doing a lot of stuff, causing a lot of ruckus, so we just want people to Stop It.
Families
We want a return to traditional family values. That means parents handling the parenting instead of child protective services entering a home and disrupting a perfectly good chicken dinner to take a scotch-loving man from his children because of a fistful of mishaps. Whether it’s drug use or domestic violence, it stays in the home. That also goes for poor families—the government will no longer be galloping into their shanty Obamaville tenements with a welfare check and a box of Russell Stovers. The huddled masses must find time when they’re not working overtime to pick themselves up by their own tattered bootstraps, should they be lucky enough to own boots.
Enough Already
We’ve had enough, so, see above: Stop It.
Gays
We don’t understand them. We want them to write a list of their practice, meet us in a field and hand them to us. The field has to be neutral, a neutral location. Why do they favor certain colors over others and how did they train fairies? Similarly, what is the significance of rainbows in their culture, and are Lucky Charms the homosexual cereal? Additionally, what kind of weaponry does gaydar detect and does the army have access to such intelligence? Furthermore, in what states are their “closets” located? Are they like terror cells? Is there a head of their closets? What is the signal for their leader to tell them to exit it? Is the coming out party like a quinceañera? Why do they dance and sing? What happened to Jack’s arc in the final season of Will & Grace? We need these questions and many more to be answered.
Lattes
They are un-American and should be banned. Horse milk and crack laced with Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smarties have been sold in liberal coffee houses across America right under the FDA’s nose. Disgusting. For more on the FDA, see below.
Abolish Everything
This one is pretty much common sense.